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Author: Lady Chi Story: With All My Love Rating: Teens Setting: Pre-HBP Status: Completed Warning: Profanity Reviews: 7 Words: 60,540
The timetables, which had been passed out shortly after the confrontation with Snape, turned out to be every bit as dreadful as Kathleen had predicted, and they were greeted with much moaning and groaning by the seventh-year Gryffindors. "This is simply too much," wailed a particularly distraught Mary Clains. "I can't handle N.E.W.T.-level Potions first thing in the morning! It's a wonder I even passed last year…. I can't imagine why I signed up for it this year!" James shrugged as he glanced over his timetable. "It doesn't seem all that horrible. At least Transfiguration is the next lesson." Mary sent a glare that would have petrified a lesser person to James. "The rest of us actually have trouble with Transfiguration, James." "Well, to each their own. Hey, Lily, when do you have N.E.W.T. Charms?" "Same time that you do, James," Lily responded with a patient smile. "How does your timetable look, Remus?" Tiredly, Remus glanced up from the piece of parchment he held in his hand. "Exhausting. The N.E.W.T.s promise to live up to their name." "I don't doubt it," Peter said worriedly. "I don't think I'm going to pass .""We pulled you through sixth year…and fifth, come to think of it," Sirius said off-handedly. "We can get you through seventh. We'll just spend most of our free time in the library. Again." "You have never, in all of your life, spent most of your free time in the library," Lily accused him with a twinkle in her eye. Sirius just shook his head. "You wound me once again, Lily Evans, with your acerbic wit and above-average intelligence."James glared at his friend and took one last look at his timetable. "We'll pull through. Nobody gets left behind… no matter how much work it takes." Remus nodded. "I agree, Peter. You'll be just fine." Peter nodded, but he still looked worried and kept muttering to himself about having to schedule time to breathe. "Peter, I'm sure I can find the time to help you in Charms again this year," Lily said, and gave him a wide grin. "I know you improved greatly last year." Peter shook his head. "I've only got to take two classes this year. Everyone else is doing twice as many, or more. I don't want to be a burden on anyone." "Don't be silly," Lily said dismissively. "If you were a burden, we wouldn't bother." Glancing at his watch, Remus stood up. "We'd best go. I have a feeling none of us wants to be late to the first class of our last year in Hogwarts." "I can't believe I could follow that," James muttered. "Sirius is supposed to be the confusing one, not Remus." Lily gave him a discreet kick under the table, a subtle reminder that Remus was having a hard enough time as it was. "I think that's an excellent idea, Remus." "I don't have a class now," Peter said with a shrug. "So I guess I'll just go to the library and get some studying done. Or something." "Sounds like a good idea, Peter. You could review the first chapter in the N.E.W.T.-level Charms book," Lily suggested. "Then I could help you go over it before you actually have the lecture on it. It really helps to have some idea of the material ahead of time." "Yes," muttered Sirius, "just ask James." Lily shot him a look, but then ignored him, focusing all of her attention on Peter. "We'll see you after class, then." With that, James and Lily stood up pretty much simultaneously, heading off in the direction of the Potions dungeon. "Well, they've certainly become chummy," Sirius noted under his breath. "I wonder when that happened." "Presumably yesterday," Remus said tiredly, pushing up from the table so that he could rise to his feet without using too much energy and overexerting himself. "It's amazing what having to depend on someone else for your life will do to you." Sirius shot a look in Remus's direction that would have frightened a lesser man. "Subtle, Remus." "One can't be, with you around," Remus shot back before he could help himself."That's it!" Sirius exclaimed, and gestured impatiently towards one of the corridors. "We need to make a visit to some place more… quiet." "I agree," Remus said quietly, and followed Sirius closely as they entered an abandoned classroom. "Listen, I'm sorry, mate. Okay? We've been 'round and 'round about this…" "No, we haven't," Remus said forcefully. "We haven't talked about it all. I was in the hospital wing, and you came in to beg your forgiveness, and I was tired so I said, ‘go away.' Remember? That was the extent of our conversation!" "I'm sorry, all right? I'm bloody sorry." "Sorry doesn't cut it, Sirius. You can play around with your life, if you'd like. You can even risk mine every now and again… but you should have never put Severus Snape in that position! At least we know what we're getting into every full moon!" "I thought it would be funny…" Sirius protested weakly. "Well, it wasn't, was it? No! Severus could have died, and you thought it was funny? For the love of Merlin, Sirius! Would you have me become a murderer? For a stupid prank? James could have died! James! We both know you couldn't stand to lose him!" "Remus…" Sirius started, but couldn't finish that thought out. "I'm sorry, mate. I really am. I know you're disappointed in me." Remus shook his head and glanced at his watch so that Sirius wouldn't see how much this conversation was affecting him. "Sorry is not going to make it all go away, Sirius. Not this time. Sorry doesn't make betrayal go away." "Remus, I'm sorry…. I know, I know, you don't want to hear that. I didn't think it all the way through, okay? It just was sort of an impulsive thing…." "I trusted you," Remus said, nights of sleeplessness creeping into his voice, into his posture. "I trusted you… and everyone else… exclusively. How can I ever trust you again? I don't even really understand why you did it." "I didn't do it to hurt you, Remus. I didn't even think about hurting you." "Why didn't you run it by any one of us before you even opened your mouth?" Remus asked, most of the anger long since drained from his system. "Why didn't you ask James? Or Peter?" "I just wanted to end everything. Once and for all." Remus closed his eyes on a sigh. Sirius was volatile, unpredictable, and unmanageable. At least, on the surface. Once you got to know him, you started to recognize a pattern. He was emotionally stunted, trusting only those with whom he had a long friendship. Outwardly, he was outgoing, but not very giving with any real emotions. When he did feel, it was with a passion… so as a result, he was very, very contrite now. "Killing Snape was not the brightest way to go about it," Remus said warily. "I didn't want to kill him, all right?" "What was your plan then?" Remus asked, sounding remarkably calm. "Were you just going to scare him?" "I don't really know what the plan was, Remus. I didn't think…. I can't even remember anything about that night very well. I remember you… I remember you had already transformed, and I remember watching James and Snape…." His voice trailed off. "How could I have been so stupid?""Very easily, I suspect," Remus said, cautiously teasing. "It's never been a problem before." Sirius looked up from the ground, where he'd locked his eyes only moments before, to see that Remus wasn't being mean-spirited in the least. This was the friend that he could count on above all. The friend he knew so well… the friend that he'd risked so much to help. And, he suddenly realized, the friend who had risked so much for him in return. "You can say that again," Sirius muttered and shook his head. "We're going to be late to class," Remus said suddenly, breaking the tension that still hung between them, though in a lesser degree than it had before. "Shit," Sirius said, and took off at a dead run towards the Potions dungeon. They reached the door at the same time. "You know, we're going to be late." "Really?" Remus asked. "I would have never guessed that, myself." "Very funny, very funny," Sirius said, and pushed open the door. "Gentlemen," said Professor Athena Gray. "I do believe you're late. I'm sure that's a big surprise to everyone here." A quiet chuckle swept through the room. Remus's eyes swept through the room. There were only two available seats. One was next to James. The other was next to Severus Snape. "I think I have just the seats for both of you," Professor Gray said with a pleasurable gleam in her eye. "Mr. Lupin, if you would take the seat next to Mr. Potter, and Mr. Black, if you find it well within your capacity, I advise you to take a seat next to Mr. Snape." Sirius started an automatic protest, but he was cut off. "This is the only alternative to a detention, Mr. Black, and I doubt that you want to start the year off that way. Again." "No, Professor." "That's what I thought. Now, if you could all refocus your attention on what I was saying before…" "What rotten luck," Sirius mumbled under his breath as he dragged his feet to the seat next to Severus. "I can't believe I have to sit next to the undead for the rest of the year." "Well, some of us are not so happy about having to breathe the same air as a disgrace to the House Slytherin, either. I think that, of the two of us, I should be the more upset, don't you?" Severus's inky voice said in a low whisper. "After all, I've never tried to kill you." "And I've never tried to kill you, you miserable, slimy, sneaky bastard. I'm no disgrace. You're the disgrace." Severus smiled. "For all your talk about the outdated concepts that most of my housemates believe very strongly in, I do believe you're the only one in our year who's committed a crime." "It wasn't a crime. It was a prank." "Really? Because it seemed very much against the law to me." "You're lucky I'm under strict orders from Dumbledore and James not to touch you, otherwise I would rearrange that hideously ugly mass of flesh you dare to call a nose into something even more horrifying to look at. And believe me, that would be an accomplishment." "I sincerely hope," Professor Gray interjected smoothly, "that the only thing the two of you accomplish for the rest of the hour is complete and total silence. Do I make myself clear?" "Yes, Professor," they mumbled together, but not before exchanging very nasty looks. ** Peter opened the book of Charms very carefully. He didn't really want to be studying. He wanted to be in a class with the rest of his friends. The high, nasal voice of his mother came back to him then. "You're going to make a mess of your life, Peter Williams Pettigrew, if you don't straighten up soon! For heaven's sake… only three O.W.L.s? The doctors told me there was nothing wrong with you…. I guess it's just good old-fashioned laziness. Well, I can kick that out of you….""I'm not lazy," he said aloud, and turned his attention to a paragraph that seemed relatively simple. At least, in the beginning. In a few short minutes, he was concentrating fully on what he was reading. A sharp knock on the head captured his complete attention just a few moments later, however. "If it isn't Peter Pettigrew?" mocked Richard Carmen, a particularly large and ungainly Slytherin, who despite his weight, was quite intelligent. "Why aren't you following Potter and Black around like a lost puppy? Did you find a home?" "I don't want to talk to you right now." "Did you hear that?" Carmen's voice was unusually loud, and a group of three Slytherins came over to join him. "Pettigrew doesn't want to talk to us. He's too good to have a conversation with a real wizard. He only chats with Mudbloods." "Hey! You watch it, now!" Peter stood up and clenched his fists even though he was shaking like a leaf. He just kept imagining what James would do in this situation. "Or you'll do what? Sneeze on me? Face it, Pettigrew, you've got nothing. That's why you've got to hang around with blokes like Black and Potter… so they'll do your homework for you." "That's not true!" "Yeah, that's right. You know, I've heard some of the professors say that you might as well be a Squib, Pettigrew. Maybe Black and Potter are helping you out by doing more than your homework." "H-h-how could they do that?" Peter stammered. "You lot aren't being fair." "Well, if you got real power, show it to us." "M-m-m-magic isn't a-a-a-allowed in the corridors. I c-c-could get c-caught." "Are you shaking in fear, or have you really got something to hide?" Carmen sneered. "Or are you just s-s-s-scared?" "I'm not s-s-scared!" Peter nearly shouted, and then cursed himself for his stupidity. "What is going on here?" Madam Pince asked as she stormed over to the table. "Mr. Carmen, you leave that young man alone, do you hear me? He's trying to study, the poor dear. Get out, or I'll give you a month's worth of detention, so help me." "I think you're scared," Carmen whispered to Peter, "and if you're really not, then you ought to prove it to us. Wednesday. Midnight. The Astronomy Tower. Be there." "Why?" Peter asked, and felt immediate gratification at the fact that he hadn't stuttered. "Because we're going to find out what you're really made of, Pettigrew." "I mean it! Out!" Madam Pince called, and Carmen turned smartly on his heel and left the library. What does he mean, Peter thought, when he says, ‘Find out what you're really made of?' Are we going to duel? The mere thought sent shivers rolling up and down his spine. Nausea crept up from his stomach and stuck in his windpipe so that he felt the bile burning the back throat. He could admit to himself that he was scared. Very scared. Still, the other Marauders were constantly doing things that proved their bravery. He should have courage as well. He thought of all the times he'd gone out with James, Sirius and Remus on full moons. He was the one who pushed the knot that stilled the Whomping Willow. That took courage. Sometimes, he voiced his opinions very vocally to the other Marauders. That took courage. It didn't seem like the right kind of courage, though. Peter wondered if he could find something inside of himself that would let him face those boys. I should do it by myself. I should go alone. Bringing James or Sirius would only confirm what they think of me – that they do do everything for me. But they don't! A wealth of confidence sprung up in his chest from somewhere deep inside him, and Peter made a conscious choice. Wednesday night, at midnight, he would be at the Astronomy Tower, and he would prove them wrong. Once and for all. ** Thanks, Anne and DPR for the marvelous beta'ing job! It's a good thing y'all are around… otherwise… Yeesh.
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